So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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