when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
