I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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