wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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