alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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