Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize