I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Small penises have feelings too.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
