I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
