I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
