I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
