My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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