12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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