I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
