And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
