somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
bring money and cleavage
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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