I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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