someone owes me an orgasm
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
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You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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