Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I would ride that face into the sunset
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
