You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
