I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
