I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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