I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
