***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
