new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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