a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
