so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
