The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
