There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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