I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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