I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Randomize
