We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
