Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
