I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The air was thick with penises
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
