You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
