there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
