3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
