Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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