this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
