did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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