I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
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If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
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And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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