She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
