Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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