I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
