I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
