in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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