Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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