FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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