FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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