That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
