Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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