how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
