Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
