Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
