I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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