it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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